Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
