Sorry, I don't speak sober.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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