My Higher Power is John Stamos
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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