What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
