He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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