3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
