My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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