I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
