I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
