I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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