and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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