the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
