I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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