Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
