brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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