Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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