do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
