Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
