if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
