don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I need to calm my uterus...
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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