Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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