I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
