can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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