you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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