HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
