she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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