dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
a search helicopter?!
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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