Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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