U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
