i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
