i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
