Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
