This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
