you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
