just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
