At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize