Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
