I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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