Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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