i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
no. you can't hotbox the world.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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