totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
