My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
