drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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