broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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