i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
