rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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