I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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