dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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