my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
