I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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