I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
