My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize