you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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