i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
