My nipple is on Facebook.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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