no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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