I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
