Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
