Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
