My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
