k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
