mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
