Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
